The Onion: America Yearns to Care About Stupid Crap Again
Welcome back to The Onion: 20 Years Later, where we review the print upshot from exactly 20 years ago, find out what'due south withal funny and examine the cultural bear upon. Today, we revisit Oct. three, 2001.
The Onion, fresh off its well-nigh of import outcome ever, returned without a week off to continue roofing the new America while slowly reintegrating its old style of sense of humor.
The humour at times feels forced, only it's a fascinating mix of Globe Merchandise Center references next to one-lines like "Greenland Thinks It Looks Fat In Mercator Projection."
New here? Welcome, and consider signing upwardly for a weekly dose of The Onion'southward history.
What issue is this?
This was Vol. 37, Issue 35, the 76th Onion issue of the 2000s and the 75th outcome of new content. Here'south what the website looked like in 2001, 2011 and today.
The 2001 website had a distinct link to the previous week's event, which was extremely unusual.
The rude but relatable "Friend's Comment Dismissed With Wanking Motion" is no longer online.
What was the meridian story, and other impressions?
I don't know how calculated The Onion's staff was with this mail service-mail service-9/11 result, simply to me, it feels similar a couple of things were motivating:
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The immediate outpouring of support for the nine/11 issue, spurring both their confidence, new fans and a demand to continue "covering" this ongoing story
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A desire to let these new fans know that, all the same grateful, The Onion wasn't going to modify its style
I say this because this event begins with some other 9/11-related story that has a big ol' swear give-and-take in the headline: "A Shattered Nation Longs To Care About Stupid Bullshit Once more."
At present, of course, we know Americans possess no greater drive than that of time-wasting, false reality and self-aggrandizement. All the same, in October 2001, there were real concerns that an Age of Seriousness had descended:
"In the backwash of this horrible tragedy, people notice themselves cruelly preoccupied with the happiness and well-being of their loved ones, unconcerned with such stupid bullshit as the new Anne Heche biography or Michael Jackson's dramatic comeback bid," said Dr. Meredith Laufenberg, a psychologist and family unit therapist at UCLA Medical Middle. "Who knows how long information technology will be earlier things are back to normal?"
People had no idea what was going on with "Friends" episodes, the Emmys, the McDonald's Monopoly game, "Zoolander" and what one Onion interviewee calls "the whole automobile-telephone controversy."
Leave information technology to The Onion to address the ultra-serious, and of import, issue of mental health later on a national tragedy in this fashion. This article closes with:
"This is a life-irresolute, society-altering catastrophe of the first magnitude, on par with a Pearl Harbor or Great Depression," said noted historian and writer David Halberstam. "The distressing truth is, this country may never go dorsum to caring about pointless, inane trifles equally nosotros one time did."
Where have you gone, J. Lo? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.
This is a timeless story, non least because Jennifer Lopez remains equally equally famous in 2022 as she was in 2001.
Other 9/xi news
The Onion'due south website again used the "Holy Fucking Shit" logo, while the website and print forepart folio also included a more than dignified "The Aftermath."
These two graphics literally illustrate how The Onion is trying to be itself while also respecting what's going on around them, not simply in the overall readership merely with their young man New Yorkers.
The major "local paper" story that ties into 9/11 is "Security Beefed Up At Cedar Rapids Public Library." Dorsum then, apparently, almost government buildings weren't quasi-military zones!
The story itself is straightforward, nigh too much like a existent news story — the library staff met to discuss security concerns after 9/11 and decided to start by upgrading the old security system and hire a part-time guard. There are other sensible measures like fixing security mirrors and changing the locks given that ex-employees still have keys.
But so again, you have this precursor to so much of modern life (and the political debates therein):
"Some people might consider the prospect of metal detectors and 3 forms of ID for library cards a scrap extreme, simply we're living in a whole new world," longtime resident Frank Gonitz said. "The way I figure, if you've done nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide, correct?"
Is this a prescient story? Yes. Will this generate more dismay than laughter in 2021, for i reason or another? Also likely.
There was a time where the main industry grouping representing airline pilots wanted them to have guns. I don't think that happened, but it was much-discussed right after ix/11. The Onion asked some folks virtually "Arming Our Pilots."
The jokes are fine, but my favorite that stands the test of time is this joke within a joke:
"Every bit a mediocre stand-upward comic, I'm all for it… 'And what's with these pilots packin' heat? Boy, yous damn well better return your tray table to the upright and locked position, Chester!'"
Irfan Clarence • Comedian
The Onion ran an infographic in July 2001 on Michael Jordan's rumored return. This fourth dimension, the news was official. Only "The Render of Michael Jordan" is more like the previous issue's "How Take Nosotros Spent The By Two Weeks?" — a somber reflection of what people were actually doing in New York City.
Other 9/11 coverage in this event included:
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"Area Homo Uses WTC Attack As Excuse To Phone call Ex-Girlfriend": I'd be shocked if this weren't based on an Onion writer experiencing it or hearing well-nigh it. Information technology feels and then existent. Every bit you might expect, "Frankel told Marchand it was 'good to hear [his] voice again' only was unresponsive to his suggestion that they get together for java."
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"Sales Of Chamomile Tea, Gas Masks Up Sharply": I enjoy a cup of chamomile simply do not own a gas mask, so either things are better or I'm woefully unprepared.
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"Network Programming Dominated Past Surreality TV": The Onion was very early to seeing how reality TV could be mocked, and this is simply a more depressing version.
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"U.S. Urges Bin Laden To Form Nation It Can Attack" is a rare misfire, if only because it feels like a shorter version of last week'southward ""U.Southward. Vows To Defeat Whoever It Is We're At War With," just with Osama Bin Laden added.
Not everything was about 9/xi
The Onion strove for its own sense of normalcy this issue, or mayhap simply realized that an all-ix/eleven upshot wasn't a repeatable procedure.
"Coca-Cola Introduces Coke Mandatory" is a delightful story that combines 1996's "Coca-Cola Introduces New thirty-Liter Size" and March 2001's "Starbucks To Begin Sinister 'Phase Ii' Of Performance." This time, Coca-Cola has mandated (and trademarked) exactly how and when you'll swallow Coca-Cola, and the message is clear even if no specific penalties have been appear for noncompliance.
I'm sure you could make a mask or vaccine annotate about this paragraph, but please don't!
Easing the fears of parents who believe Coke is non an ideal potable choice for infants and toddlers, Hasworth stressed that Coke Mandatory is optional for children under ii. However, within the side by side year, Coke Mandatory Jr., a cola-flavored milk product enriched with essential vitamins and corn syrups, will be available and compulsory for those 2 and under.
There are some interesting 1990s/early 2000s choices here, such as the unfortunate moniker "essentialicious," too as competing products chosen Pepsi Must and Hafta, which is a collaboration between Fanta1 and Shasta.
There's also a nice throwback to ane of The Onion's favorite targets, RC Cola:
Appalled past the new Coke production and other such required soft drinks, Majestic Crown announced plans to release RC Optional, an exact replica of the current RC Cola with new packaging that "will surely appeal to American consumers' stiff sense of liberty and cocky-determination."
The other lengthy non-9/xi article is "Closeted Father Lives Vicariously Through Gay Son," which was assuredly more relatable and relevant in 2001 than in 2021. Most notably, this is a largely positive article, eschewing the 2000 Onion'southward tendency to criticize anti-gay views by repeatedly using gay slurs.
"What Are We Titling Our Masters Thesis?" is one of the stronger front-folio infographics from this era. Often the small-scale space yields curt jokes that are mostly throwaways. Here, the jokes are sharp and cover a huge range of subjects — American history, comic books, sexuality, procrastination, a preview of the adjunct-dominant college model.
Last simply non least, "Masters! Masters! Masters Thesis Of Puppets" has become one of my favorite Onion one-liners because of its shout-out to the greatest metal song of all time.
Other "local" news in this outcome:
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"Little Tobacco Hit With $3.5 Hundred Lawsuit" is a relic of that era's tobacco lawsuits, but it's still a bang-up premise that'due south well-written. If the defendants lose, function of the penalty volition be "removing the cigarette vending machine from the breakroom of a Detroit-area Safeway."
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The front end-page headline "Gas-Station Employee Gives 109 9/10ths Percent" warrants a respectful chuckle, and that's all information technology has to be.
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"Greenland Thinks It Looks Fat In Mercator Projection" is a dumb joke, just I like that the Mercator map is singled out.
What columnists ran?
2 weeks in a row with a Point/Counterpoint! This week'south isn't as serious and dire — no debating the caste of violence used against the terrorists. Instead, it'south a debate about outdoor advertising, or what I believe nowadays the industry calls OOH, or out-of-home ad.
"Outdoor Ad Is A Blight On Our Lodge vs. I Only Wanted To Tell The Overnice People About The Yogurt" goes a step further in having a woman, Karen McClary, be the writer opposing outdoor ad but her opponent be Yoplait. Not the company, but a Yoplait yogurt billboard.
The Yoplait billboard is a unproblematic animal who simply likes being a good billboard, and is perplexed that information technology has enemies.
Lady In Cherry Car, she doesn't like me. I've done zilch to her. Why does she always milk shake her fist at me? Why does she ever glare at me when she drives by? Why does she put her hand over her daughter'due south eyes when she is going by me? Yogurt is good. It has lots of calcium. It also has acidophilus. That's an active civilisation that helps people digest better.
This is a great Point/Counterpoint and also great escapism for the fourth dimension it was published.
We also take "I Insist You Infringe This Terrible Volume And Tell Me How Much You lot Liked It," which is correctly accompanied by a photograph of a middle-aged human with a mustache.
He describes many, many bad things about the book that apply to near bad novels. He also describes two of the characters, and I would honey to know what Onion writer's mind this came from:
Like Salty, the wizened body of water captain whose life of loneliness parallels that of the nameless protagonist. Or the ghost of Eva Braun, who tempts him and tries to keep him from doing good.
Well-nigh "Hey, information technology'south 2001!" reference
The Danny Almonte prototype in that photograph collage that leads this week's issue. Danny Almonte, as you lot have no reason to remember, was the Little League pitcher who in summer 2001 became famous for leading a New York City team to the Little League World Series before information technology was discovered he was besides old to compete. The fraud was committed by his parents, coaches and local league officials and included simulated documents and witnesses, although Danny himself was cleared.
What was the best horoscope?
Runner-up in the "Hey, it'south 2001!" category might exist this horoscope:
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Though it'due south certainly admirable to want to stay informed, your worship of Peter Jennings is beginning to affect your ability to function in daily life.
What holds upwardly best?
"A Shattered Nation Longs To Intendance Virtually Stupid Bullshit Again" might not exist the funniest article, even compared to several stories in the 9/11 consequence, but information technology's very American, very reflective of what was going on iii-4 weeks after ix/eleven, and very perceptive of how people process tragedy.
It's a great credit to The Onion'south staff to anchor an issue around this theme, and information technology's almost an inside joke in that this is what The Onion itself was trying to practice.
What holds up worst?
"Closeted Father Lives Vicariously Through Gay Son" is much meliorate than I feared, but information technology'south very much of its time, you might say. Some things don't hold up, and that's separate from how nosotros judge them as art.
What would be done differently today?
Also early to bring this back. I don't think we demand to do that idea exercise quite yet, and also, The Onion did a groovy job here under difficult circumstances.
Final thoughts
The Onion changed forever on nine/11, simply similar many things did. But "change" doesn't necessarily mean "forget what got yous there." What we have in the Oct. 3, 2001, issue is the outset steps of The Onion blending its absurdist, wacky, college humor origins with its new function as satirist of current events — almost an alternating vocalism of present-twenty-four hours America.
It didn't hurt that the A.V. Club was, at the time, a bit of an online alternative, non to mention that The Onion was, in some cities, paired with alternative print weeklies.
Thankfully, humor can be found in all sorts of situations with a trained eye, the willingness to dig and knowing who your targets are and who you're trying to make laugh. The Onion was pretty good at this before 9/11, merely this is the era where information technology showed how great it could exist — maybe fifty-fifty greater than information technology idea it could exist.
See y'all adjacent week!
Source: https://onion20.substack.com/p/how-do-you-follow-up-the-911-issue
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